Day 22...

 ...Wow.  

Let that sink in for a minute.  We are only on day 22 of this journey.   

I couldn't label today's post Dara Day 3, because, cutting right to the chase, we did NOT receive our Dara today.  Or our Velcade for that matter.  

It's been a tough week.  We tried to push past our disappointment from last week, the lower numbers, the potential of not getting treatment and ultimately, canceling a vacation with friends that we had been looking forward to for a VERY long time.  We felt pretty low.  

Andy, being the positive and strong person he is, probably started bouncing back sooner than I did.  I can't tell if we were both really looking forward to our appointment today or if we were completely dreading it.  

But, sure enough, just as the sun sets and rises each day, Thursday eventually came.  

If I haven't been clear enough, every Thursday we head to the Froedtert Cancer Center for blood work and treatment.  Every 4th Thursday, we go to Menomonee Falls so we can also meet with Dr. A.  (And, if I already explained this...whoops!  It's hard to keep it all straight)

Thank goodness on most weeks we receive treatments at Moorland Reserve, because this morning we also welcomed our first snow fall of the season, which of course means everyone forgets how to drive!

Because of the originally planned vacation, I wasn't supposed to go to today's treatment, so Andy had asked his mom to come.  Well, after last week's appointment, there was no way I was skipping, so I crashed the 'party'.  

Andy got called back right away for blood work and quickly after we headed back to the infusion rooms for treatment. 

But first...we had to wait for those darn lab results.  

We met our nurse for the day and got all our vitals.  Outwardly, things looked good.  His blood pressure was lower for him, temperature down from last week, and pulse ox was perfect.  

The three of us mindless chit chatted, filling the void while we waited...and watched the cars try to make it up the hill!  

Our nurse came back.  Well...she started.  Ugh.  I hate that word. 

Picture a balloon.  A balloon filled with air that is being pinched shut.  Now let go of that balloon and watch it spin around the room uncontrollably while making that noise, 'pffffffffffttttttt'.   That is what my brain did.  

ANC = 200.  Remember.  This is the number we need to be 1000.  The number that was 700 last week.  It plummeted.  Like my spirits.  

BUT.  Platelets were at 90.  Remember this number was at 48 last week and we need it to be at 50 (although, this nurse told us they wanted platelets to be at 100?) and his hemoglobin numbers went up by .1 (small wins people, small wins).  

Nurse told us she already had a call into Dr. A, but it didn't seem like we would be getting treatment with our numbers THAT low.  

So.  Not what we wanted to hear.  This week it didn't feel as much as a gut punch as last week, but still.  If Andy's cancer is 'treatable' and 'manageable' but we aren't getting treatment...then how 'treatable' is it really??

While she was gone, we tried to recount all the positive things she had to say - discuss how some of the numbers changed for the positive, but we fell silent when we realized she was talking to Dr. A.  Trying hard to eaves drop on what he was saying on the other side of the phone.  

She came back.  No Treatment.  Officially Official.   

Instead, we were going to receive an injection of Zarxio.  Zarxio is an injection that boosts the body's ability to produce white blood cells.  

"Can you just..." I started...and...of course burst into tears, "Can you just explain to me how this is OK?"

Another nurse looked at us, in the best way possible, like we were crazy. 

In summary, Andy's treatment plan builds in the fact that sometimes he won't be able to receive a dose of his anti-cancer medications.  Instead, he may receive injections such as Zarxio to help increase his WBC count.   Technically, this is still helping him fight the cancer.  Without it, his body would literally not be able to do the things we were asking it to do with the anti-cancer medications.  She said she understands how overwhelming this can seem in the beginning (remember, 22 days), but this is all part of the process. And, this next part is KEY: 

We. Have. Time.  

Time.  

I held so tightly onto that word.  Time.  

But she went on.  This is a marathon of treatment.  It's the long haul.  Not a one day thing.  Basically.  Buckle in.  We're going for a ride.  

Andy and I have told each other, at various points in our life.  "It's a marathon, not a sprint".  Our entire journey together.  Marathon.  It's been a mantra when things seem tough.  And here it is again, staring us in the face.

We do not want to be on this cancer journey.  But here we are.  And we're #Dabachery (if you don't know...you don't know...sorry).  We do not just give up when things get tough.  

So.  Today we got an injection of Zarxio.  Not Velcade or Dara.  But now Zarxio is just another drug in our treatment plan.  

We listened to the potential side effects of Zarxio, which include BONE pain.  Which can be mitigated by taking a daily dose of Claritin (Science is weird...).   And we left.  

Science is weird.  Cancer is weird.  This journey is the weirdest.  

We feel sad that we didn't get treatment today.  But we don't feel the hollow emptiness we felt last week.  We're learning how to navigate our journey and we are learning to take each moment as it comes.  

And at least the view today was so pretty!